Hi strangers! Long time no see.
Well, guess I’ll just jump right into it...
Sometimes I feel empty and I look forward to nothing. Not all the time, mind you. This morning just feels worse than usual, hence the return and the venting.
I know I shouldn’t feel this way: life’s pretty damn good and fairly easy—I’m lucky to have a loving wife that also doubles as a best friend; I’ve got the toys I want to play with; my job, while admittedly boring and frustrating and occasionally demoralizing at times, is a relative cakewalk...and the pay’s decent; I have a home, two working cars, an adorable, if not stubborn, pet, and I get to travel—“life is good,” but at times none of that seems to matter. Life can still feel acutely lacking.
This sounds a whole lot like a symptom of depression. That begs the question, with so much going in my favor, why the fuck am I depressed?
I have a pretty good idea why, but it seems crazy...and petty, and selfish, and unreasonable. That such a outwardly small thing could bring so much good to nothing boggles my rational little brain. Yet, it’s what stares me in the face, day after day, awaiting resolution that may never come. It’s not only bringing me down, it’s frustrating as hell, because there’s little I can do about it, save for possibly destroying the aforementioned things that currently make my life as good as it is, which, for obvious reasons, is not on the table. And it’s not like having it would or should jeopardise the life I’ve carefully built...but that may be just how I see it.
Even if I were able to “have my cake and eat it too” there is absolutely no guarantee this thing troubling me, once remedied, would endure, for I have as little control over it as I do my current circumstance. Also, if you know me at all, you know I can be quite effective at unintentional ruination. I suffer from foot-in-mouth disease, among other things. And, for as annoyingly observant as I can be with many things, there are certain things that elude me, most of them having to do with interpersonal communication...and apparently at all levels. While I’ve gotten better, there are simply things I do not see, and I don’t know why I don’t see them when others seem to see them clearly.
Maybe that’s why I’m in a funk, because when I look at it from different angles, there’s a good chance this particular thing won't pan out the way I’d like it to. Or possibly not.
Maybe all of these thoughts are muddled by my overall crap mood, which lends itself to crap thinking, with little to no hope in sight.
Yes, I realize I may be overreacting, but it’s how I feeling at this moment, and I will not apologize for how I feel. I do my best to deal with my emotions—those around me will have to bear with me, because as hard as I try, and as good as my best is, I can be as terrible at is as anyone else, so I will and do apologize for any handling done poorly, because, being “only human,” I’m certainly going to have moments when that will be the case.
I came across a saying a while ago that has stuck with me: those that matter don’t mind, and those that mind don’t matter. This is mostly true, because those that matter can also mind, particularly when it affects them. So, to those that matter and do mind, know that I love you and ask for your patience and understanding—one way or another I’ll get through this.
As for the overall depression I seem to often have looming over me, I’ve begun working on that with a "professional." Who knows, maybe I can be “cured” of my general and recurring malaise with just a professional’s help.
But, maybe this thing I feel I’m lacking is part of that “cure.”
I’ve got zero answers here, people. But I am trying to work toward some.
And look at that, by the time I’ve gotten to the end of this (which I’ve been working on, off and on, the past couple hours) I already feel less shitty. Hope has started to creep back into my brain. Ahhh, the magic and wonders of time. Crap—maybe I’m a wee bit bipolar. Oh well, that's another problem for another day.
….Now I’m wondering if I should even post this thing….
Meh, why the hell not—it’s not like anyone will actually see it, and, even if they do, read it.
Who knows, maybe someone will stumble across it when it’s in some historical whole-internet archive, long after I’m dead….and think to themselves, “wow, what a little bitch.”
Yeah. Probably.
Hi, future person!! Sorry I suck.
Until next time!
